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How music helped me escape abuse and reclaim myself

I found music as an escape and started making simple EDM beats. These creations cleared my head and provided a distraction when I needed it most

by Mazey-Jessica Emily Twilight

My name is MJ, I also am known as AlexTLM or Mazey, and this is my story of abuse, trauma and isolation. But it’s also the story of how I escaped the pain through music and bounced back since.

Early Life Before Coming Out

Knowing I was trans when I was young was a danger; my parents, despite being lesbian themselves, were highly transphobic and made coming out a difficult experience. I showed a few signs of being trans early on, taking interest in make-up and feminine fashion. I was once referred to as “she” in school and it made me realise that’s who I wanted to be. I had euphoria when I was being feminine, and after my friend came out, I started asking myself if I was too.

I knew I was trans by the time I turned 16. I wanted to experiment by getting some girl clothes, but my abusive family took the money I was earning through my part-time job. I was able to try make-up however, thanks to a girl in school who wanted to help. I finished my GCSE’s with the highest the school had seen, with grades of 7s 6s and 5s (or ranges of As and Bs). All this time I hid my trans identity from my family. I knew they were transphobic. I had sat through evening meals when comments were made, misgendering my sibling’s ex-boyfriend (who was also trans), calling all trans people “mentally unstable” and “fucked up in the head”.

I worked long and hard during the summer at a cafe but didn’t see a single penny of the money I earned. My family manipulated me into giving them my wages and I am unsure now what the money was spent on. That autumn I started college and was already registered as female from day one. I tried to start life as a newly out trans girl. I soon came out to my parents with hopes of a better life and hoped they understood…

Coming Out to my Parents

“It’s a phase”, “No you’re not” and “You’re just saying it for attention” are common phrases responses parents have to their child coming out, and was the exact same for me. However, within the next month it turned into “why did you kill my child?” and “you are never going to be a girl, not in my house, not to the outside world, not ever”.

I started distancing myself from my family, spending more time alone in my room listening to music. I focused less on my studies and more on my mental health. Within the next year my parents started having violent outbursts whenever I mentioned my trans identity, and things only got worse when I was referred to gender care. I became depressed; I took up smoking and started sneaking out at night to see my girlfriend and ride her motorbike, or go drinking with friends. My family didn’t care.

A year after I came out, I attempted suicide three times. My family didn’t think it actually happened because I “didn’t have anything to be depressed about”. I found music as an escape and started making simple EDM beats. These creations cleared my head and provided a distraction when I needed it most. My girlfriend had died a few weeks before I started. The cause was blamed on suicide. I later realised my music was something I could take further than I knew. I passed college with high grades, and escaped to university.

Starting University

University for me was an escape from all the abuse. Even though I wasn’t too excited about my degree, I started with aspirations to do well. But from day one my parents continued to try and control me. They manipulated me into paying them my student loan so they could help me “budget” it. I went through the numbers after term and I was missing over £200. I wasn’t given enough money to live on, and had to go without meals three times a week just so I didn’t overspend.

A month before the end of my first term I started testosterone blockers. I came home for the last time in December 2023, and my family threatened to bin my medication when they found out what it was. The only reason they didn’t is because I told them it would be dangerous for me to stop taking it. I packed an emergency bag after Christmas Day, and almost went on the run because of the danger I was in. The violence had started again and I felt this time I wouldn’t survive. I emailed my university as a safety precaution. I just survived the break, and didn’t return home after that.

Since Disowning My Family

I disowned my family in January 2024. I have not been back to my hometown, and am now focused on my music career. I also started full hormone treatment, which was something I wanted for a long time. I am much happier now, stopping old habits and opening up to those that actually care about me. I quit smoking, I am now engaged to my boyfriend, and have started at a new uni studying a degree that actually interests me. My life is on the right track, and looking back is something I will not do for a long time.

I want everyone out there to know they are not alone, not everyone has a “perfect” life. If anything I don’t think there is a “perfect” life. I learnt to never give up. I found escape in small things, but they became bigger than I ever imagined.

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