TransActual
As my 27th birthday came and went, I gradually opened up, learned the words to express what I felt inside, and came to terms with my trans queer self. A future that previously seemed incomprehensible began to enter my sightlines, and I eventually came out as a trans woman.
What I didn’t see coming, was the warm glow of maternal desire I’ve felt in my body since turning 30. I’ve not medically transitioned, and the visceral depth of these feelings has taken me by complete surprise.
They will never understand the sense of grief I have for the body I should have been born with, the childhood I should have had, the adolescence I should have had. That life in my mid-20s that I’m doing over again in my mid-30s. That first operation that I needed because my body changed in puberty in ways it shouldn’t have.
I’m not a stranger to avoiding leaving the house or shunning social gatherings. As a trans man waiting for top surgery, my dysphoria hit a peak and my mental health hit a low. Recently divorced, I found myself living alone for the first time in my life. This wasn’t exactly a winning combination of factors.