TransActual
Throughout my twelve weeks as an inpatient, I found myself scared to be open about who I was or ask to be named and gendered correctly. The irony of this is that I work in a transgender empowerment programme. The reason I did not disclose my gender identity was that I was scared of backlash, prejudice and that I would not get the care that I needed
Seeking medical care has never been straight forward. I have found myself lying about my identity. Ticking ‘woman’ or ‘female’ on forms. Ticking ‘white British’, ticking ‘straight’, and not revealing aspects about myself that should in theory help to inform the medical care and support I receive, but in reality have hindered that care.
On a good day I catch a glimpse of myself, a reason to grin. My smile feels like a blessing, permission to enjoy my existence and embrace the coming day. On a bad day I trace the scars of indecision on my face with my fingertips.
We go to healthcare providers as we trust them to have our best interest at heart and know the correct treatment, but this can open up the opportunity to experience discrimination and bias when seeking healthcare due to both of these characteristics.
Perhaps this feeling is a consequence, at least to some extent, of the near-ubiquitous before-and-after pictures of hormonal transition. These photos omit the difficult middle, offering instead an arbitrarily selected “after”.
Instead of my lack of energy being seen as evidence of mental illness, it was, to them, evidence that I wasn’t serious about being trans. Surely if I was trans, I would try harder to look like a man, even if I was incredibly ill?